Once You Begin to Sleep

The good part is that you look different.  People comment and say that your skin looks smoother; that you look prettier.  I do find myself looking in the mirror and thinking, “You look GOOOOOOOOD!”

The bad part is that sleep is like a drug.  Now that I am getting more of it, my body does not want to return to the thrilling days of yesteryear (or at least last month), when I was fully functional (if a bit shaky) on three hours of sleep a night.  I started slowing down at 10:30 this evening.  It’s only 1:00 now, and I’m done.

I still have no Internet.  I really need to just splash out and get it.  Tomorrow, though, I’m going to try stopping at Whitmore Library and using the wi-fi there so I can get this posted. 

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OK!  I'm at Whitmore, huddled in a scrap of sidewalk shade behind a trash can. The library doesn't open until 10!  10!  Crimeny.  I can kind of see the monitor - mostly I can see the dust on the monitor and not much behind it, so pardon my spelling.  

I am hanging in there and so glad that I still have some readers.  Thanks, friends!  I will try to find a way to post every day again.  I have a lot to say, but since I have't been posting each day, I'm log-jammed.  Let me set my little mental lumber-jack loose here and see if I am more limber tonight.  At the moment, my butt is cold from the sidewalk. 

That reminds me of a poster my friend Julia was describing to me.  There are two chocolate Easter bunnies on it.  One has had its ears eaten off; the other has a missing tail.  One has a thought-bubble that says, "Man!  My butt hurts!"  The other says, "WHAT?" 

My butt hurts.

Say, "WHAT?"

She is Still Alive

Just about.

Very quick blog entry.  I am at my old house for an hour or so, and can get on the Internet.  Blogging has been almost impossible since I have moved.  I don't want to pay for Internet in my apartment.  There is no insecure wireless that I can swipe or share.  Internet at Guadalupe blocks blogs.  There is a cafe near my apartment where I can get online if I am willing to buy drinkables.  Or I could sit in their parking lot.  Or I could sit in the parking lot at McDonald's.  If I had time to go sit in parking lots right now.  What I really want is Internet access at 2 AM, when I have time to blog!

Ugh. I know:  poor baby. 

So, quick run-down.

My apartment is small, but is starting to make me happy.  I am trying to take Dive's advice and make it feel like my own.  I'm trying to make it cozy and welcoming.

I am happy to be out of the range of Simon and his anger most of the time.  I am trying to get the kids stabilized.

I am still struggling to get my money organized, but I worked on it for a few hours last night.  It's slowly forming into a budget and a predictable set of upcoming expenses. If I can make it through this month, I think I will be all right.  Except for the medical bill.  And the soccer fees.  And the car insurance.  Even the library fine is daunting right now, as is the purchasing of groceries.  I am down to about $60 for the next 11 days, unless I want to buy food on my credit card. Blech.  This is rough because Si got all but $200 of my last paycheck.  If I can make it through to my next check, I'll be OK.

And C.?  Is it OK to simply say that I am happy?  I don't usually permit myself happiness without hedging.  It is hardly possible to have a more attentive, kind, caring, open  person in my life.  It would appear that he really means it.  Really loves...me.  I am working on accepting this relationship at face value and just enjoying it.  Because my dad left rather precipitously when I was eight, I get wrapped up in issues I have hung onto since I was a little kid:  someone you love wholeheartedly can be here today and gone tomorrow.  Other people manage this risk adeptly, and I would like to as well.  I get so tied up in managing my expectations, bracing myself for some sort of painful awakening, talking myself away from happiness.  And now I am finally SICK of viewing love with a jaundiced eye.  It is getting in the way.  I need to let my fears go before they foul the waters.  For Pete's sake!  Anytime we love someone, we lay ourselves open to the risk of loss.  I need to stop all the defensive posturing and realize that I'm not a vulnerable eight-year-old.  I'm a grown-up who can handle grown-up risks and grown-up pain.  Hell, if I haven't learned that much about myself over the last few months, the suffering has been a bit of a waste.  I can weather loss, AND maintain my super-powers.  Given that, why not go for broke and love without all the caution tape?  Working on it. Gotta run.  I'll be back when I can manage it. 

I am so sorry that I have been neglecting my friends' blogs!  It's driving me crazy!  I will catch up as soon as I can. 

May Ends in Pictures

I'll start off in running clothes, then change at work.

Wake up Sara!  School!  Love these door beads....

My dentist is always late.  I have learned to take a book and schedulr appointments for 8:00 AM, before he has a chance to get seriously backlogged.   How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents, by Julia Alvarez.

Dr. Russell Like to hear all about the books I am reading, but has an annoying habit of asking about them while he has his fingers in my mouth.

To the bank (couldn't you guess by the cheap suckers?) to get a cashier's check for $1010 to cover tomorrow's rent and security deposit...

Then to Nathan's school Habitat Fair.  Nate's animal was the grizzly bear.

I think his look of contrived ennui is cute!

To work.  Let's see... What is this flash card supposed to represent?  "Scared?"  "Teeth?"  This kid thinks HE'S scared?  He doesn't have to work with Becca!

Before getting started with my regular stuff, I had to call the electric and gas companies and get my account information for the apartment office people.

E-mail took FOREVER today.

Yuck!  The data sheet on one of my federal grant proposals.  Got both grants done and submitted to the State Office of Education.

My colleague Mary Sue brought me an egg roll from her lunch! Yay!  'Cause I didn't get around to eating my own lunch until 3:00 PM pr something.

My keybaord tray is driving me up the fucking wall.  Now it is held together with a paperclip and one of those clamp-style paperclips that I call a "bullfrog".

Thank you notes to volunteers who have stayed with us for amazing lengths of time.

We put lessons in these folders for our learning groups.

Thu Ha has just got back from a long trip to Vietnam.  Rai is modeling one of the little scarves she brought for each of us.  We love them, but we are mystified:  it's too hot in Vietnem to wear wooly scarves.

Our uniform shirts with our new logo have arrived.  I distribute them to support staff.

My dear friend David L., teaching his group.

Student Victor M., famous in this blog for his many bad jokes.

Yen H. told us that she passed her US Citizenship exam.

11:30 PM:  Time to go home with all of my month-end paperwork (I refuse to fall behind, move or no move) and a couple precious cardboard boxes.

Packing