I am like that hamster.
Here are the facts, folks: I love Chuck deeply; he tells me that he loves me and wants to get married; we live here in his house, harmoniously. It is also true that, ever since we have moved in, I have found myself feeling less and less safe. More and more anxious. I actually have moments of queasiness when I think about our relationship, sometimes.
My previous counselor (who offered tough love and often made me feel like I was talking to Anton Ego)
is no longer on my insurance, so I made contact with another counselor today. Hopefully, she'll call me back soon.
So what is UP with this?!?
Is it the baggage? We have had challenges that many couples would find daunting, I think. The circumstances that brought us together were not good. We live in a house that is new to me, but that he lived in for many years before I came along - part of that time with his ex-girlfriend. Her cats' hair is still in the stairwell; her own hair is still in the medicine cabinet. The hooks that she used to hang things on the walls are onthe walls here above my desk, which sits in the exact spot where her desk sat until a couple months ago. We sleep in the bed he shared with her. I try not to let it get to me.
She lives next door. A few minutes ago, we stood on Chuck's front porch, talking; and I noticed that he wasn't looking at me - he was looking next door, where she was just arriving home from work. I try not to let that get to me, either.
The fact remains that, ever since we moved in here together, I have been growing more and more unhappy. I'm not ready to attribute all of it to Henrietta's presence a few yards away. I am beginning to think it is because we are now TOGETHER. LIVING. TOGETHER.
I think about how things were between us when we weren't living together. We saw each other most days, although not every day. When he saw me, his eyes would light up. He smiled a lot. He was playful and joyful. He wanted to be sitting next to me. He would watch my eyes to see what I thought of things.
Now we live together. He smiles sometimes. He is playful occasionally. His eyes light up rarely. I wait for it like I wait for fireworks shows to start. Tonight we were on a walk and he laughed at something I did or said. I soaked the moment up: God, for a moment there, I was giving him what I used to give him!
Maybe this isn't about living together. Probably this is the dreaded continuum, of which I have written before, from being IN LOVE to....LOVE. And from there? What comes after that? Boredom? Contempt? Emptiness? Any of which he will wish he could feel with anyone but me?
I try to keep it from happening. Every day, I bring all the joy and commitment and energy I have into being the woman he fell for in the first place. I don't want to be in a relationship AGAIN! where I fail to evoke joy or passion or openess from the other person, AGAIN!
Yeah, I talk to him about it. I share all of my feelings with him, carefully worded. I try to use these conversations to figure out what the hell it would take to keep him lit up about me.
He just says that he perceives no problem. He's happy. He loves me. He wants me with him forever. Except for these insecuritites, though. They make him unhappy. Sad and worried. He tells me that he only wants me to work on being the happiest, most self-actualized person I can be. That would give him the most satisfaction. I try to allow myself that. I really do. But instead, I am a hamster. I eat my young. I kill what I love.
I can't escape my negative thoughts, left over from the other relationship: you are lovable only as long as you do the right things. Love is a performance-based reward for being perfect. You are not creative enough or sexy enough or pretty enough or smart enough or articulate enough to keep a man's interest.
In what may have been our last fight, Simon told me, "You are a bottomless pit! There is never enough love to make you feel loved. You will never find what you need."
He didn't think to add, but I have added since, "You will never feel safe."
Believe me, if I can't feel safe with Chuck, there is no safety for me in any relationship.
He is very undemanding - he tells me little about what he expectsfrom me. I pay close attention, trying to discern his needs. There are lots of things I want to give him. One thing he absolutely deserves is a happy, healthy wife who isn't constantly worried that she is screwing up. I'm going neurotic, wondering if I'm neurotic.
I chose this counselor because she's on my insurance. Her office is nearby. She actually had two reviews; and they were both positive. Her name sounded interesting.
I don't want to chase my tail. I don't want to eat my young. I want to stop looking back at my failed marriage. I want to feel like I belong in my life, and that I deserve to lay my worry aside. Every day, every minute, is a chance for me to stiffen my spine and keep trying. I need to remember that.