Courtesy of Matchbox Twenty:
She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she’s been here too few years
To feel this old.
Whoever “she” is, she’s smart. Well, or who knows? Maybe like me, she is still left with some traces and memories that are harder to expel than others.
Some of my friends are getting impatient with me, because I still have a few chinks in my armor regarding CB. Tsk! Yeah, it’s been a whole… 17 days. And seeing him at the rec center has been a big setback, because now I know that he wants to tell me something and that he is scared to do it. Which probably means (given how stubborn he is) that he will reappear at some point. I try not to obsess about it, but have a little mercy! Look at all the things I have been doing right! Catch me being good, huh?
No contact of any kind! All gifts and objects removed! I am running and lifting weights! I am wearing nice clothes and even a little makeup every day! I am dutifully going to counseling, even though the therapist is mean to me. (Oooh… I need to blog about HER soon. She is seriously amusing, in a dark kind of a way…) Another poker night planned! And I booked the “Fuck You, CB” canoe trip today. So cut my heartache a little slack!
I’ve got Matchbox Twenty playing in the truck at the moment. I had been playing the soundtrack to the movie “Away We Go” for a long time, trying to reclaim it as my own and not have to share it with any memories anymore. I have failed badly, though. I surrender. I’ll have to put it away until the 60 days are over and try listening to it again after that.
I need a repo man. Despite the fact that I have disposed of EVERYTHING CB gave me, there are a few of my own possessions that no longer belong to me fully any more.
I want to repossess…
NPR! I used to listen constantly, but we listened to a lot of it together. Diane Rehm had the Utah Attorney General on her show today, discussing immigration reform. Normally, CB would have texted me to find out if I had tuned in.
Beans & Brews, where we always got chai.
My favorite, butter-soft, cotton quilt.
My Lava Hot Springs coffee mug.
My good Henkel bread knife which, because it is serrated, has circular marks from CB’s sharpening stone on it.
My old blog! I’m homesick for it. It gave a little context to my present gloom by containing a long history of happy posts.
My windshield wipers.
[I am prolific today! I have at least three blog entries waiting in my fingertips, and they aren’t even all bleak! Just this one. ]