Struggling

Today the rain is pouring down; but yesterday was beautiful!  A false spring for Utah.
There is a lot to be happy about in my life, but I am struggling.

Chuck is on an inventive streak:  he's building dining chairs for his daughter; and in the process, learning a lot about bending wood.  He uses my electric roaster as a steamer.  He's building a new frame for his river raft that has integral dry boxes made of balsa and fiberglass.  He has started doing home inspections with his friend Pat again.  It requires an app; so he bought himself a smart phone, which makes a WiFi hot spot and so our pathetic Internet is vastly improved.  He customized a roof rack for my car.  He is taking Spanish classes and loves playing with DuoLingo.  We have been going out, meeting new people, drinking, dancing, having fun.

The kids are happy and doing great in school.  I have been working hard in preparation for Guadalupe School's move to our new building.  I've been asked to serve on a couple of high-level committees, including one for the Center for Applied Linguistics.

And spring is coming!  So, what's not to celebrate?

Yet, my confidence in our happiness is wobbly.

I don't suffer from depression.  I do get swept up in event-related turbulence.  We had a home invasion situation last Saturday (right after I posted my Six Word Saturday about the joys of an uneventful day!) that was horrifying to me.  I can't tell the details of it at this time, but the police had to be called and it was very scary.  Since then, I haven't slept through the night.

Last night, I went for a long run around Cottonwood Heights after work.  It felt so great to be outdoors after the long winter of running on the track.  I ran hard and dominated the hills!  At the top of the biggest one, I stopped to catch my breath and thought, "I'm a bad-ass!  I even spit like a bad-ass!  And I blow my nose on the sidewalk like a bad-ass!"  I went home feeling like I was getting myself back together emotionally.  I had a hot shower and went out for supper with friends.  But as I lay waiting for sleep, I thought about the future in light of what happened.  I woke up with a start at 2:30 AM, my mind racing and my legs SCREAMING!  I took a bunch of Ibuprofen, but could not get back to sleep.  Finally I left the bed and went to sleep on the sofa, where I could squirm and be miserable without waking Chuck.

In the morning, Chuck came to kneel beside the sofa and ask if I was OK.  I went back to bed, he lay down next to me and I dropped off again for a couple of hours.  But I am exhausted, uncertain about our future happiness in the Canyon and fighting hard to stave off sadness.