She is Still Alive

Just about.

Very quick blog entry.  I am at my old house for an hour or so, and can get on the Internet.  Blogging has been almost impossible since I have moved.  I don't want to pay for Internet in my apartment.  There is no insecure wireless that I can swipe or share.  Internet at Guadalupe blocks blogs.  There is a cafe near my apartment where I can get online if I am willing to buy drinkables.  Or I could sit in their parking lot.  Or I could sit in the parking lot at McDonald's.  If I had time to go sit in parking lots right now.  What I really want is Internet access at 2 AM, when I have time to blog!

Ugh. I know:  poor baby. 

So, quick run-down.

My apartment is small, but is starting to make me happy.  I am trying to take Dive's advice and make it feel like my own.  I'm trying to make it cozy and welcoming.

I am happy to be out of the range of Simon and his anger most of the time.  I am trying to get the kids stabilized.

I am still struggling to get my money organized, but I worked on it for a few hours last night.  It's slowly forming into a budget and a predictable set of upcoming expenses. If I can make it through this month, I think I will be all right.  Except for the medical bill.  And the soccer fees.  And the car insurance.  Even the library fine is daunting right now, as is the purchasing of groceries.  I am down to about $60 for the next 11 days, unless I want to buy food on my credit card. Blech.  This is rough because Si got all but $200 of my last paycheck.  If I can make it through to my next check, I'll be OK.

And C.?  Is it OK to simply say that I am happy?  I don't usually permit myself happiness without hedging.  It is hardly possible to have a more attentive, kind, caring, open  person in my life.  It would appear that he really means it.  Really loves...me.  I am working on accepting this relationship at face value and just enjoying it.  Because my dad left rather precipitously when I was eight, I get wrapped up in issues I have hung onto since I was a little kid:  someone you love wholeheartedly can be here today and gone tomorrow.  Other people manage this risk adeptly, and I would like to as well.  I get so tied up in managing my expectations, bracing myself for some sort of painful awakening, talking myself away from happiness.  And now I am finally SICK of viewing love with a jaundiced eye.  It is getting in the way.  I need to let my fears go before they foul the waters.  For Pete's sake!  Anytime we love someone, we lay ourselves open to the risk of loss.  I need to stop all the defensive posturing and realize that I'm not a vulnerable eight-year-old.  I'm a grown-up who can handle grown-up risks and grown-up pain.  Hell, if I haven't learned that much about myself over the last few months, the suffering has been a bit of a waste.  I can weather loss, AND maintain my super-powers.  Given that, why not go for broke and love without all the caution tape?  Working on it. Gotta run.  I'll be back when I can manage it. 

I am so sorry that I have been neglecting my friends' blogs!  It's driving me crazy!  I will catch up as soon as I can.