Let me just start by saying that I have a head-cold. If only the ancient Egyptians had been correct in their assertion that snot was the product of deep thought: I would be pumping out my novel this weekend. The kettle is thumping on the stove as I write this, heating water for yet another cup of tea (or maybe cocoa - isn't it good enough simply that it's wet? "Push fluids," is the old adage. Why not chocolate fluids...)
The head cold is making me feel tired and saggy-baggy. My immune system is somewhat compromised this year, in my opinion: I have been slack about taking my vitamins; about exercise; about nutrition. Compromised to the point that I am not just susceptible to colds. I am also not immune to... jealousy of Si's new girlfriend. Bum-bum-baaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!
Now, hold on a sec. It's not what you think!!
Not THAT kind of jealousy! I don't feel like puking when I think of them together. The grass is not suddenly greener over in my old yard. I don't want him back. But for some reason it's hard to hear about how perfect your ex's new girlfriend is. They have been dating for three weeks. They seem to be waaaay into each other. Shutting themselves away for hours at a time after Nate and Sara have gone to bed.
According to the kids:
She is nice. (Good.)
She is pretty. (Good-good.)
She is thin. (Uuuggh. Ouch. That bites a little. We work out at the same rec center. She knows who I am, apparently.)
She is well-groomed. (Actually, I got this from reading between the lines: from an argument about how much makeup she wears. Nate just thinks she is naturally that flawless. Sara says no one could look that perfect without a lot of makeup. No one would ever debate this point about me. HAHAHAHAHA!!)
She has two school-aged kids and has been divorced for three years. She doesn't work. ("What!?! How could she not work? She's a single mom!" "She came out of her divorce really well, Mom. She doesn't need a job.") (I suppose that gives her plenty of time to work out at the rec. And be thin.)
She lives in a "rich house" (Nate's term) in an upscale neighborhood. Nate has been there. "It's amazing, Mom! Huge stocks of soda!"
She loves to hike.
She is a good cook.
Here's the kicker. "She stands up to him, Mom. When she disagrees about something, she just says so." Granted, the "disagreement" was about how much candy the kids should have after supper. The kids express mild surprise even at this, though.
SO! Let me start by saying that I'm glad Si is in love. Selfishly, I am grateful because he is being so much friendlier to me since he met this woman. Makes it a lot easier to drop stuff off and pick stuff up. And I want him to be happy. That's what I always wanted for him. And failed to fully provide for nineteen years.
One time, when we had been married seven or eight years, we were at a very low ebb in our relationship; and he said to me that he didn't think he was capable of loving me the way I needed to be loved. He didn't know why, but he didn't have it in him. I wanted to know if it was because of me? Because I wasn't [fill in the blank with your own adjective denoting marital perfection] enough? Or was the right person still out there and he hadn't met her yet? He acknowledged that it was possible that he had yet to meet the person who would bring out a fuller range of emotion in him. Back then, I was despondent because that person wasn't me, and because Si seemed to need so little of what I had to offer. Then after a while, I began to wonder if it wouldn't be a blessing in disguise if he did meet someone: that would "get it over with". Huh. And in the end, I was the one who bolted. I never thought it would be me.
What does this all mean? Maybe it means that our problems were really MY problems all along! I brought out the worst in him, when he could have been in a relationship that brought out the best.
I guess that's what's I'm jealous about: she will effortlessly get from him all the affection and respect and esteem that I tried so hard to get and couldn't.
I am in love with someone who seems satisfied with me just as I am, and I am learning to accept that as true. I don't want to go back.
What has she got that I haven't got? Besides a superior immune system?