Saturday, March 19, 2011

Sixty Day De-Tox

Some heartbreak cures work, and some don't.  A friend suggested yoga, at which I crinkled my nose.  Another friend caught my expression and said, "Kate can't do yoga.  It's not fast enough."  Meditation?  Just gives me lots of quiet time to contemplate lost love. 
Here's Grandpa Mario's suggestion.  Despite my protests that I am an atheist ("Atea, Mario!  Soy atea!"), Mario is sure that I will be restored if I read the daily Novena included in this little pamphlet he gave me.  It is entitled (I'm translating, here), "Novena: to Our Lady of Guadalupe, Patron Saint of the Americas".  I did read the first Novena, to make Mario happy.  I'm not restored, but I did learn some new words in Spanish. He wants me to find God and all I end up with is a kick-ass vocabulary list.
If you are trying to recover from a broken heart, I would recommend THIS be your Bible for the next couple months:  "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken".  This is where I found out about the ring tones.  It is this book which promises me that after 60 days, my heartache will be gone.  Today was Day 4. 

This little manual is chock full of good advice, like:  not making late-night, drunk phone calls; avoiding self-destructive behavior (like the way I stay up all night so I won't lie in bed and think about Boyfriend); not whining too much to your friends; staying productive at work; accepting the new reality that the man you love is really a SCHOOB; understanding that he is off having a good time and living his life with nary a backwards glance. Therefore, I should do the same.

Let's turn to "Part 2: The Breakover (Or, How to Become a Superfox Breakup Warrior with Lustrous Hair and a Whole Bunch of Self-Worth"). This contains the 7 Commandments for the 60 days.  I have my marching orders!  They are:
  1. Don't see him or talk to him for 60 days.    Since the clean break I would have preferred was badly fumbled, I have had some practice in this area.  And I don't think he plans to be in touch.  I have been exceptionally disciplined about staying away.  Early in the roller coaster ride, I "unfriended" him on Facebook and took his "Contact" off my Yahoo IM.  Not because I was mad, but so I wouldn't suffer while seeing him live his life without me.  Four days ago I canceled my Yahoo account altogether and blocked his number from my phone.  This felt GREAT, but not because I think Boyfriend is going to stalk me.  I did it so that I would STOP obsessively opening Yahoo, hoping for an e-mail.  And now when I hear the little "boopity-bip" that means I have a text?  My knees no longer go weak while I reach for the phone like one of Pavlov's dogs.  (OK, those dogs never reached for the phone.  Stop smirking at my syntax.  Can't you see I'm infirm?)  I KNOW it will be from someone else.
  2. Get yourself a breakup buddy.  Well, I didn't do that, because I am not the kind of person who is going to call one of my friends late at night to snivel.  I have to say that I do have a few friends that would tolerate that, at least for a couple days.  Thanks, friends! XXX
  3. Get rid of his stuff and the things that remind you of him.  I started this in January by returning things he had loaned me.  Then in February, I got rid of pictures, small gifts, the pencil holder he made for me out of walnut... I even threw out the little tin clicker that had belonged to my grandfather.  I had given one to Boyfriend and kept one for myself (Don't ask why, we will just digress)  (I never digress, right?). As of four days ago, I only had a few things left - the most precious things:  a bottle of single-malt Scotch; a bicycle; a crate on wheels with a handle, so I can haul all my paperwork back and forth more easily.  It took me two days, but I got rid of the bicycle.  No longer sitting in the garage, taunting me with a future that isn't going to happen.  Anybody want the Scotch?  Stake your claim...
  4. Get your ass in motion every day.  This is not too hard for me, although some days I only do half my run before I just feel too sad to keep going. Today I managed about four miles when I should have done five...
  5. Don't wear your breakup out into the world.  I bought a super-sparkly ring on Tuesday.  I wore a fun chain-belt on Thursday.  I'm getting my hair done next week.  I will continue to keep my eyebrows tidy.  Maybe I will finally make that shopping trip to the "good" DI and see if I can find some cute treasures.
  6. No backsliding!  No worries: I'm tough, and I have a giant ego that is way too proud to allow me to type THAT e-mail address or call THAT number. 
  7. It won't work unless YOU are number one!  Which basically means that if I remain proactive in getting over it, I will be even MORE OF A ROCK STAR than I was before!  (This book really likes capitalization and exclamation points.)  It's a little hard to believe now, as I look in the mirror and see dark circles, cloudy complexion, furrowed brow.  Perhaps I shall go drink some water and get a good night's sleep.
Uh, yeah.... It's 2 AM again...


  1. ah- but yoga can be painfully fast! And you get so caught in the motion that you are meditating bc you can think of nothing but the swear pouring off your face or the pain in your quads. it can be quite awesome. Detoxifying, if you will.

    and I'll dib on that Scotch ;)

  2. @ Diane K: It's yours. I will bring it to you.

  3. Doesn 't if you don 't believe in God say a prayer to the God you don 't believe in and see what happens

  4. That's a whole bunch of really good advice, Kate.
    My own mantra was "keep busy and keep moving" and it seems to have worked pretty well. If you never give yourself a moment to stop then the wave of self pity won't be able to catch you and drown you and eventually (I know - that word) it WILL fade into triviality.
    I must confess to some pretty weird mental images about fast yoga.

  5. Some awesome advice-- but I'll be the asshole and send you a private emailing telling you the surest way to move on!! I'm sure some peeps won't agree with me but I know you can see it for what it's worth!!

  6. I think my comment got eaten or lost or something.

    I agree with Dive, "Keep busy and keep moving." also a cute new outfit and pedicure never hurt, either. ;)