Thursday, March 31, 2011


Courtesy of Matchbox Twenty:
She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she’s been here too few years
To feel this old.
Whoever “she” is, she’s smart.  Well, or who knows?  Maybe like me, she is still left with some traces and memories that are harder to expel than others. 
Some of my friends are getting impatient with me, because I still have a few chinks in my armor regarding CB.  Tsk!  Yeah, it’s been a whole… 17 days.  And seeing him at the rec center has been a big setback, because now I know that he wants to tell me something and that he is scared to do it.  Which probably means (given how stubborn he is) that he will reappear at some point.  I try not to obsess about it, but have a little mercy!  Look at all the things I have been doing right!  Catch me being good, huh? 
No contact of any kind!  All gifts and objects removed!  I am running and lifting weights!  I am wearing nice clothes and even a little makeup every day!  I am dutifully going to counseling, even though the therapist is mean to me. (Oooh…  I need to blog about HER soon. She is seriously amusing, in a dark kind of a way…) Another poker night planned!  And I booked the “Fuck You, CB” canoe trip today.  So cut my heartache a little slack!
I’ve got Matchbox Twenty playing in the truck at the moment.  I had been playing the soundtrack to the movie “Away We Go” for a long time, trying to reclaim it as my own and not have to share it with any memories anymore.  I have failed badly, though.  I surrender.  I’ll have to put it away until the 60 days are over and try listening to it again after that.
I need a repo man.  Despite the fact that I have disposed of EVERYTHING CB gave me, there are a few of my own possessions that no longer belong to me fully any more. 
I want to repossess…
NPR!  I used to listen constantly, but we listened to a lot of it together.  Diane Rehm had the Utah Attorney General on her show today, discussing immigration reform.  Normally, CB would have texted me to find out if I had tuned in.
Beans & Brews, where we always got chai.
My favorite, butter-soft, cotton quilt.
My Lava Hot Springs coffee mug.
My good Henkel bread knife which, because it is serrated, has circular marks from CB’s sharpening stone on it.
 My old blog!  I’m homesick for it.  It gave a little context to my present gloom by containing a long history of happy posts. 
My windshield wipers.
[I am prolific today!  I have at least three blog entries waiting in my fingertips, and they aren’t even all bleak!  Just this one. ]


  1. What does love feel like? One of the best answers I've seen to that question is "something you can't do anything about."
    If it was as easy as formulating an action plan and sticking to it, generations of women would have been 'washing that man right out of my hair' a la Rodgers & Hammerstein. So if this plan of yours works, maybe you should patent the formula and sell it to Pantene. Or, accept that maybe it just wasn't love at all...

  2. During my two year version of your sixty day detox, Kate, it took at least four months for the heartache to let up sufficiently for me to start reclaiming old places for myself.
    It hurts like hell but it does happen in the end. Being told to be patient when it's driving you crazy doesn't help much but that's what I'm telling you. Hang in there and you'll make it through to the other side.

  3. Can I just say that I think you are doing splendidly? WHY on earth have you only given yourself 60 days? When I read about you seeing CB as you were going down the stairs, I actually felt my heart ache for you. How difficult that must have been. You are human, Kate. Do me a favor and listen to that old sentimental song by Keith Urban: "Tonight I Wanna Cry."

    And then just do it. Because you are such a glorious personality and I promise that you will come out on the other end so much stronger. And then you must promise me to help someone else who will be in the sort of pain that you are in now. Because they are going to need you and by then, you will have so much to tell it is good karma.

    You are a person of great value.

  4. Maria, Dive and Gibbonesque: thanks very much for your kind words. I am making it fine, sort of. However, the turmoil in my secret mind is much greater than it seems when just viewing my behavior. I spend almost every waking moment wondering what might come next and what CB is thinking and why he showed up at the rec, etc... Is MW really well? Are they happy now? Is he glad that this was the outcome? Did he come to the rec because he wanted closure? Does he ever think about me? Does he miss me? If a man instits that you are his destiny, doesn't that mean that he could try to come back into your life at some point in the future? If he were to show up in front of me and say, "I'm not with MW any more and I want to know if there's a chance for us," would I tell him (very sweetly) to get lost? My friends would say, "GO! GO! GO!" I would probably say, "Let's go get a cuppa and talk about it a little more." And Maria, thanks for being a little easy on me. My counselor here in SLC is a hard-ass. :)

  5. Utah??? Umm nope--I'm trying to get away from the cold!!!!!! hehehe

    Okay dear repossession?? Yes--all of it--get it all gone. But take it easy on yourself--it's gong to take some time--maybe in some major time-so your friends will just have to be patient about it!!!!

    Its ok to look back it's even okay to think about him and ache about it...just when you allow yourself that moment--then lock it back up!!!!! heheh