Waiting?

First off, I have to say to B.:  You met me at the door.  You poured me a whiskey.  You let me fling myself onto your sofa (with sound effects "Hyyyyyhuuuh!") and sprawl there.  You listened to me jabber about my day.  I talked a lot, too!  I have missed this small luxury.  Thanks.

Today was a good day.  Check out all this sweetness.

1. Got my hair cut.
2. Ran hills, outside, in a tank top!
3. Met Becca and baby Eli at Mazza for lunch.  Beautiful, inexpensive, delicious.  We coordinated side dish sampler plates,and then spent a gluttonous hour throwing tidbits at each other.  We were approached more than once by people who either know me or think they may know me, which felt very friendly and small-town-ish.
4. My counselor told me she was proud of me. Surprising.  She is usually a bit curt.  Maybe she got a little extra milk in her latte or something.
5. E-mail from my brother Charles.  He has opened up the cottage for me and turned the water on. A canoe is out, chained to a tree, waiting.  He will lend me one of his cars.  "In case you want to go find groceries."  "Thanks.  It'll keep me from breaking into deserted cottages, searching for canned goods."
6. A little box of Godiva chocolates from Wise, who is concerned that I will be neglected on Mother's Day this year because of the divorce.  The good news is that I have always thought Mother's Day was a load of hooey, and I don't care. But I like being comforted with chocolates anyway.
7. I received compliments on my eyes today, several times.  That's just 'cause I was wearing a green shirt.
8. Short-sleeved shirt.  Open-toed shoes.  Red toenails.
9. People's tulips are ABLAZE.
10. I planted cilantro, lettuce and spinach.
11. Becca forwarded me some classified ads of apartments for rent.  Some are very reasonable!  Maybe this won't be as expensive as I thought.

I think I can go on the record and say that I am no longer depressed.  And my counselor isn't the only one who is proud of me.  I am very pleased with myself, because I have worked hard to get my old self back despite the fact that I keep BAD COMPANY:  divorce-related Tension, Confusion and Guilt stand on my right; on the left stand Longing, Doubt, Heartachy stuff... did I mention Longing?

19 days, it's been.  The counselor laughed and said, "Not that we're counting or anything..."  I laughed, too. 

I've got to get away from the bad influences.  The divorce stuff will be resolved in an orderly manner over the next weeks.  I very much want to get out of here and live away from all the tension (and by doing so, cause less of it myself).  I just can't figure out how I leave until the money stuff is ironed out a bit more.  We have that conversation with the mediator on Monday, so maybe I'll be able to see a way clear after that meeting.  I would like to get a 6-month lease on a place and catch my breath there.  Now, it can't be a depressing dump, or I will get sad again.  I need a place that is cheerful. It can be small, and old, and have marginal appliances. It can be quirky, with poorly designed closet space.  But I would like it to be in a walkable part of town, and it needs to have big windows that open wide to catch a breeze.  I don't like air conditioning. Nothing feels quite as wonderful as standing in in the kitchen,chopping up some fresh veggies while the breeze blows through and ruffles my skirt.  I want to set a folder in my Favorites and start collecting possible rentals in there.  I wold love to have a new situation by the end of this month.

And what about desiring?  Longing?  Doubting?  W-A-I-T-I-N-G...?  Waiting?  Who's waiting?  I'm not waiting for him.  I am getting on with my life.

[Pfffft!]  OK, not exactly. But guess what?  It's possible to get on with my life AND still be waiting...  Yeah, I'm waiting.  Because, boy howdy, how I love that man.  If I follow my own advice to myself about trusting, believing, having confidence, then waiting is the course of (non)action I will take.  I'm making friends with the idea that I am waiting because I have also embraced the vulnerabilities of trust, belief and confidence.  [BWOOP!  BWOOP!  Chink in the armor!  Armor alert!]  [Stand down.  We're going to allow the chink]  Yeah.  I will tell you:  if I get through this without losing my mind, I will emerge a much better person, because I have sure needed to deal with a lot of my faults and fears this past month.  Whether he comes or not, I will build an amazing life.  I'm not Rapunzel, after all.  And I am not taking all of this incredible risk just to allow myself to be struck down by things that are out of my hands.  I will wait, though, for the month or two, because I really want to make an amazing life that includes him. 

(Pardon any editing errors.  I am all dozy.)