Monday, May 9, 2011


Written last night.

Well, today had only one good moment.  I took Nate to Beans and Brews, and took Cricket magazine with us.  It's a literary mag for kids. We got settled on the sofa with our drinks and I read aloud to him there.  The Greek tale of Atalanta.  At first he politely declined my snuggly arm (he is a nine-year-old boy, after all), but as the story went on I found him curled against my side.  After the story, I asked him for feedback about my moving out, and what he felt he wanted / needed in a new location. 

1.  Don't move to Ogden.  Too far away.
2.  A neighborhood with kids would be cool.
3.  A cat would be great, but it needs to be one that would sleep with him on his bed; and it can't be black and white.  According to Nate, his best friend Ben is allergic to black and white cats only.
4.  Not the Avenues.  When I asked why he didn't want me to live in the Avenues he said, "All those crazy people living in old houses."  I reminded him that Uncle Mark lived in the Avenues.  He just gave me his "see what I mean?" look.  Wow.  Sorry, Mark!

Other than that, today sucked.

I awoke to Sara at the foot of the bed doing her begging puppy dog routine.  "Sorry Sara.  Without my glasses, I can't see that you are doing your begging puppy dog  routine."  Sara was happy to install my glasses for me and resume her earlier position.  She wanted me to take her to see The Conspirators.  She has been asking for this for a couple weeks.  I got up and dressed and wandered out to the kitchen.  I was standing here folding a load of wash while I waited for my toast to pop  up and Simon came in.  "Hey, Sara asked me to take her to see The Conspirators today, so I guess we'll do that in the afternoon."

That was it.  He got mad because he had been thinking of taking her one of these days.  And because I just told him, instead of asking if it would be OK.  After that, nothing was OK all day.  Bad person, bad mother.  All the things I know to be true about myself, even when life is bad?  They are false.  It has aways been like this between us.  If I listen to him for too long, I could start believing that black is white.  It's like being hypnotized.  Now, all I can think of is poverty, misery, heartache and loneliness.  This will be my lot in life.  I am selfish.  Destructive.  I will never find the life that I'm looking for.  No one will love me.  My kids are even marginal at this point.

I have been putting a lot of effort onto being hopeful and strong.  I want to stay optimistic and believe in a good outcome.  I need to stay on that frequency or I'll get sad again, andn that is without doubt the most selfish thing I can do. I am no good to anyone when I'm like that. 

I can do this.  I will not be guilt-tripped.  I will not be weak.  I will be scared, though.  Permission to be scared shitless and feel all squeaky and alone?

21 days since I have heard from or seen CB.  Feels like a decade.  Strangely, I hit a real misery speed-bump the last time I hit the 21 day mark. At that time, I was so grateful I didn't have to go any farther.  This time around, I do.  Maybe there's something about 21 days and Day 22 will be easier.

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