Tuesday, January 24, 2012

High Point, Low Point

My eaves are dripping, but I can see that a dusting of snow  has fallen on the lawn of the apartment complex.  I join the rest of the state in exclaiming, "It's about bloody time!"

I am equipped with a very small palm-full of chocolate chips, because I just couldn't stand it and got myself a little nibble.  Chuck and I are going to a party in a couple of weeks, and I want to feel svelt.  Lithe.  Not plump.  I would love to be just eight pounds lighter, and if I were sufficiently mad enough at myslef, I'm sure I could do it.  Problem is that I'm just not in the right place, self-loathing-wise.  Bummer. 

A realization today:  why I prefer grocery shopping alone.

"Hey, Mom!" 

"Hey, Mom?  Can we get soda today?  Why not?!  I haven't had soda in AGES!
Hey, Mom, wanna hear what I want for my birthday?  There's this game, you have to order it from Amazon.  You wanna hear how it's played?  Well, first the Pokemon...
Hey, Mom.  I'm gonna need a birthday treat for my class. Doughnuts should be fine. Don't worry - I only need 30 of them.
Mom!  Watch this!  Watch this!  Lemme show you how this partic-lee-ar soccer kick goes.  See, if you leap up like this, and then land like this, your position will be just right to....
Hey, Mom!  Are we getting cereal?  What kind are we getting?  What about this kind?  You know, if you realy want to make me happy, you could get Coco-Roos... And can we get marshmallows to put in cocoa?  No, I don't like the kind with the mini marshmallows.  They melt too fast.  Can we get this kind?
Can we get root beer?
Moooooom!?!  How much longer are we going to be here?  I have math!  If I have to stay too long at the store and I don't finish my math in time, then I won't get time for Nintendo.  Oh. My.  God!  [eyes filling]  I just remembered the worst problem.  Susie has place markers that are each equal to 17. Then she has a remainder of two, all of which totals 87.  So let's see... I need to subtract two from...
Can I get gum?
Can I get a lollipop?
Did you know that Sir Isaac Newton predicted that the world would come to an end in the year 2060?  So this is based on his predictions regarding the temple in Jeruselem...
MOM!  Men in Black II!  You should get it!  It's only $5.99.  Chuck would like it, I'll bet!
Hey, Mom.  listen to this:

Tarzan the monkey man, swinging by a rubber band.
He slips.  He falls.  He's hanging by his balls!
They rip!  They tear!  He'll need another pair!

But you know what?  How the hell did he fall so that he got caught by the balls?  That cannot be right."

High point:  A friend at work asked me about the series of four surgeries I had after my breast cancer diagnosis.   She needs to go in for  a touch-up surgery after having a melanoma reoved from her cheek last summer.  She was wondering about my feelings at having to have multiple surgeries, and about my body image now that I am so badly scarred.  I realized during the conversation that I don't care any more about how my left breast looks or feels.  I just don't think about it much now.   Leftie is still numb, two years after my final surgery.  It's true that, where the nipple used to be, there is just an expanse of scar tissue. There is still a long, horizontal incision scar.  I look at this, shrug, ignore it.  Think, "It really doesn't look that bad."

Low point:  Chuck is fed up with the "roommate" thing at Aloha Road.  He sent me a couple of texts during the evening expressing the wish to be at my place with the kids and me.  I concurred that I missed him.  Later, when we were talking on the phone, he told me that the situation at Aloha was on his nerves; and I realized that his earlier texts had less to do with wanting to be with me, and more to do with NOT wanting to be at Aloha just then.  That part of my psyche that loves to mind-fuck me and over-analyze every situation sent messages of embarrassment to the rest of my brain.  The logical part of my brain (sick of this shit and wanting to just be happy and enjoy this lovely relationship) started beating the over-analytical part over the head with the tea kettle.  Last I checked, they were still going at it.  Hopefully, they will have it resolved by morning.  Chuck thinks Aloha can be a pain?  He has never tried living inside my head! 


  1. I do love the way you write. Liking your high point. As for your low point, I too suffer from over-analytical brain messaging. I think most of us do, I am guessing some people are just more honest about it than others!

  2. Bing maintains that she doesn't even need to be present for arguments anymore since I always preface my argument with, "I know that you are going to say so and so, but this is why I think we should do this instead."

    I think she is just annoyed because I am usually dead on right.

  3. You have such a great attitude about your body and your boob, Kate. I wish I could be like that. You read my boob post, so you know I'm not my body's biggest fan. How do I ever get past being a neurotic teenager with a bad body image?

    Mental masturbation--all good writers do it. The trick is to control WHEN we do it, but I haven't met anyone who has mastered that trick yet.