Sunday, April 10, 2011

Letter to My Husband

[I have actually had interesting things to post about this weekend that are fun to talk about.  But the need to write about my feelings is clogging my thoughts.  Best I let this go first.]

Dear Si,

Last night when you called from Colorado, you asked me if I was able to put an end to "the limbo".  Limbo sucks, as I well know.  I asked you if meeting with the mediators was the next step.  "Yes," you said. "Then we need to set up a meeting with them."  "So, you've decided?"  (I was a bit relieved that the phone chose that moment to die and I had to take a sec to call you back on the kitchen phone. We need to talk to Sara about her bad habit of leaving handsets lying around and not putting them back in the cradles to recharge.)  "Soooo...HAVE you decided?"  "Look, I can't say these words over the phone.  Can I tell you when you get home?"  "Yeah, you're right.  It's not right to have this part of the conversation on the phone."

Sorry.  I couldn't say, "I'm sure that I want a divorce" over the phone to you.  Maybe hideously angry people in a hideous disaster of a marriage could do that, but I can't.  Of course, this is not a shock to you.  We have been talking about this off and on for months, now. 

 Thanks for staying calm when I said that I don't really want to duplex the house and continue living in it together.  I understand the financial wisdom of that, but I question the emotional wisdom.  Thanks for agreeing that we could all go to Bryce Canyon together at Easter weekend, because I think the kids would like that.  Better than if just one or the other of us took them.  And I know that we are capable of making that fun for them. Plus, we both want to go, right?  Thanks for understanding that this is not a choice between you and another man.  This is a choice between continuing on a set path, or taking a sharp turn onto another one.  Our problems have been there for years, gradually growing instead of diminishing.  Even during the three weeks when I was sure that CB had forgotten all about me (Gosh!  And the six weeks before that, now that I think of it!),  I knew I was going to go.  I could feel it, Si.  I know that, if I stayed, I would  never feel right. I also know that, if I go, I may end up regretting it. I will have to take my chances.

I hope you have a reasonable drive coming home today, and that the passes are clear.  Hope you don't mind that I'm planning to just eat up leftovers tonight. I was going to make chicken soup, but we have a lot of food in the house already.  I'll make it tomorrow.  I'm taking the kids to see Roderick Rules this afternoon; we'll probably all convene at home at about the same time. 

See you then,

1 comment:

  1. Will Simon read this?

    Hope everything happens for the best.