So I use my blog for a couple of different things: as a place to record my observations and feelings; but also (and this is a little more complicated) to examine myself and try to learn a few things. I go back and read old blog entries from time to time to see how I handled an issue in the past. The reason that this blog is called “There Once Was a Woman” is that I want to get through his very difficult period in my life but still hang on to all the things I like about myself: gotta manage a steep learning curve; gotta use my head to safely navigate an enormous love; gotta stand up for myself and stop being a doormat. Yet, I still want to be sweet and compassionate and considerate and fun.
Can I be both of these women? NO. It’s all one woman. Divorce does funny things, and I don’t mean the funny ha-ha kind. I have to live with intense longing but still maintain a sense of humor. I feel like hiding my head when I think about managing my investments, but I need to be focused on the needs of my kids and my students. I CAN stop apologizing for sticking up for myself, and still be loyal. I have heard such balancing acts called “threading the needle”. I used to be better at it than I am right now. It seems like a lot of aspects to pull together and balance properly right now.
As I move through my time away from CB, I am becoming more focused on the issues that have driven wedges into my marriage for a long time. However, I have removed some writing from my blog in which I focused on these wedges. Its veracity is not the issue. Its loyalty? Questionable. Not what I want from myself. When this divorce is over, I want to be changed, but only for the better. That’s why I’m doing it. I don’t need to pick it to pieces: suffice to say, “We tried, and it worked for a while. Culture and temperament and time wore it down. I am not happy. I want to be.” When I’m hurting, it feels so good to vent, but I need to be more circumspect. I came over to hide out on this blog so I could lay it on the line, but I’ll draw a line on that…line (we’re getting a lot of lines, here…) and try to be more considerate of Si. Can I learn when I’m afraid? Can I love passionately and think clearly? Can I be firm and soft? Is this a mattress advertisement? Have I muddled my metaphors again?
Light at the end of the tunnel? Aaaarrrrgh. Yes. I have faith. Hold on: which pocket did I put it in?