Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Time to Have a Quick Gaze at my Navel

So I use my blog for a couple of different things:  as a place to record my observations and feelings; but also (and this is a little more complicated) to examine myself and try to learn a few things.  I go back and read old blog entries from time to time to see how I handled an issue in the past.  The reason that this blog is called “There Once Was a Woman” is that I want to get through his very difficult period in my life but still hang on to all the things I like about myself:  gotta manage a steep learning curve; gotta use my head to safely navigate an enormous love; gotta stand up for myself and stop being a doormat.  Yet, I still want to be sweet and compassionate and considerate and fun.
Can I be both of these women?  NO.  It’s all one woman.  Divorce does funny things, and I don’t mean the funny ha-ha kind.  I have to live with intense longing but still maintain a sense of humor.  I feel like hiding my head when I think about managing my investments, but I need to be focused on the needs of my kids and my students.  I CAN stop apologizing for sticking up for myself, and still be loyal.  I have heard such balancing acts called “threading the needle”.  I used to be better at it than I am right now.  It seems like a lot of aspects to pull together and balance properly right now. 
As I move through my time away from CB, I am becoming more focused on the issues that have driven wedges into my marriage for a long time.  However, I have removed some writing from my blog in which I focused on these wedges.  Its veracity is not the issue.  Its loyalty?  Questionable.  Not what I want from myself.  When this divorce is over, I want to be changed, but only for the better.  That’s why I’m doing it.  I don’t need to pick it to pieces:  suffice to say, “We tried, and it worked for a while. Culture and temperament and time wore it down.  I am not happy.  I want to be.”  When I’m hurting, it feels so good to vent, but I need to be more circumspect.  I came over to hide out on this blog so I could lay it on the line, but I’ll draw a line on that…line (we’re getting a lot of lines, here…) and try to be more considerate of Si.  Can I learn when I’m afraid?  Can I love passionately and think clearly?  Can I be firm and soft?  Is this a mattress advertisement?  Have I muddled my metaphors again?
Light at the end of the tunnel?  Aaaarrrrgh.  Yes.  I have faith.  Hold on:  which pocket did I put it in? 


  1. you're going thru so much right now...but you're doing well, really...

  2. Kate, your insights have always been helpful and inspiring. Some day, we will meet in person, I hope!

    Blogs are tough things. We want to pour out our souls in public because it's cathartic and we need to write and, let's face it, there is something about writing "live." Even if we don't have an audience, knowing we are "out there" is so different from keeping a journal. Journals are inherently personal and private,and because of that, they are places to hide our inner selves. Those of us who don't want to hide anymore come to blog. We can reveal a part of ourselves that we cannot do physically. We can be drop dead honest about our hidden sides if we choose to be. For me, blogging is about saying, "Here I am! If you don't like it, don't read it!" I suspect some of what I am saying will resonate with you, too.

    I totally understand what you are saying about airing the laundry in public, though. It's a thin wire we walk on when we discuss ourselves because we are part of a larger world and, inevitably, others are drawn into our blogging for one reason or another. I guess before we put the details on the screen we should ask ourselves if doing so will cause more hurt, which will always come back to us (that Karma thing). There's also the issue of slander. Ranting in a blog against public figures and ranting against a neighbor, for example, are totally different things.

    You are such a good person! Lighting a candle for you, Kate...